If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
