just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
