Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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