New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
