Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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