Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
