I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
