Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
