Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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