I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
