And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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