The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
