Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
