even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
