Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
