Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
