I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
