Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
