this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize