Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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