I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
