Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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