I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
