all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
