True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
