did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
