Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
