You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
