you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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