I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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