Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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