he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it was like eating out sand paper
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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