shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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