i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
