I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
