It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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