i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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