I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
