I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize