I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
