I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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