I wish I could teleport
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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