Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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