That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
