I wish I could punch you in the face.
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
