This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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