Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
