I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize