And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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