Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
this hospital has no fireball
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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