I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Mom said you looked used
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize