May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
