My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
