Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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