Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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