Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
