He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
