you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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