are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
