My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
