the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
