My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
MIDGETS
????
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
